Mother-child relationships can be complicated but virtually all moms appreciate being shown some loving care. According to Philippa Perry, psychotherapist and author of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, the mother-child relationship “always matters and can always be improved.”1 She gives a few tips on how to make the relationship better:
• Accept mom for who she is. You can’t change her; in fact, you can’t really change anyone else but yourself. When you change yourself, the other person will change also. Being kind to and accepting of your mother may well improve your relationship.
• Find out about your mom’s childhood, how she was brought up, and what was impressed upon her. That will help you understand where she’s coming from when she seems judgmental, bossy or just plain annoying. Remember that what appears to be the control freak in her also comes from caring and concern.
• Look in the mirror. What annoys you most about mom may be a deep part of yourself. When you recognize that your mom in yourself, even the parts of her you don’t enjoy too much, you will be more compassionate and empathetic towards her, and she will feel it.
• Have real conversations with your mom. Don’t assume she is living a ho-hum life. Find out what she is thinking in the here and now—what is she thinking about, what are her fears, what are her hopes, how is she truly doing. The answers may open up a treasure trove.
• Spend alone time with her. There is no gift greater than the gift of time, especially when spent sharing a mutual interest or joy. Too often, adult “children” appear to spend time with their parents when they become ill. Make it a habit to spend time with them when they are healthy and able to enjoy your company.
• Find out what she is interested in at her current stage of life and plan to join her in pursuing them. It can be as basic as doing crossword puzzles or as elaborate as traveling to different countries. There may be things mom wants to do but can’t do alone and your companionship would be immeasurably valuable.
• Say thank you in as many ways as you can. Be grateful for your mother. Don’t wait for Mother’s Day, although you might want to celebrate her in a big way on the special day!
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1 https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/21/mother-dearest-20-ways-to-love-your-mum